Eight Keys to Life Hardiness and Resiliency

Helen Keller once wrote: “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.” As we navigate through challenging times toward a better future, it’s useful to visit some tried and true ideas regarding life hardiness and resiliency. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list, but rather a reminder of some existential ideas we sometimes set aside as we tend to the hectic details of daily life. If you find this article helpful, share it with those whom you care about who are in need. There's power in good will reverberated.
1.    The power of perspective
Life is not always easy. We all know that. How we choose the way we think, feel, and act in relation to life’s challenges can often make the difference between hope versus despair, optimism versus frustration, and victory versus defeat. With every challenging situation we encounter, ask questions such as “What is the lesson here?”, “How can I learn from this experience?”, “What is most important now?”, and “If I think outside the box, what are some better answers?” The higher the quality of questions we ask, the better the quality of answers we will receive. Ask constructive questions based on learning and priorities, and we can gain the proper perspective to help us tackle the situation at hand. 
“I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.” 
- Thomas A. Edison
2.    Don’t focus on the mud
We should learn from the past, but not be stuck in it. Sometimes life circumstances and personal setbacks can haunt and prevent us from seeing our true potential and recognizing new opportunities. What has already happened we cannot change, but what is yet to happen we can shape and influence. At times the first step is simply to break from the past and declare that it is you, not your history, who’s in charge. Ask empowering questions such as “What matters to me now?”, “How can I make a difference in this situation?”, and “What’s the next step for my best interest and well-being?” Every moment we’re alive we can make new choices that help us move on and step toward a better future. If we pay attention to only mud on the ground after a storm, we won’t notice that the sky above us has already cleared. Goethe reminds us: “Nothing is worth more than this day.” Don’t focus on the mud. Make better choices today and move on.
For more information on how to eliminate your negative emotions and develop a positive attitude, see my article Five Keys to Enhancing Your Emotional Intelligence.
3.    All you have to do is ask…the right individuals
In life we sometimes may feel like we’re walking alone, but we don’t have to be as long as we’re honest with ourselves, and ask for help when needed. You can find strength and support through a “board of advisors” you create. These are your “go-to” people when you’re in need of sound advice, a new perspective, a certain expertise, or simply an empathetic ear. Members of the board can include individuals you know whose opinions you respect and character you trust. Your personal B.O.A. can also include your role models from past and present, historical or fictional. Ask, for example: “What would (role model A) say about my situation?”, or “What would (role model B) do if she were in my shoes?” Asking for help is not the same as complaining. Habitual complainers dwell on what’s wrong. Successful people assume responsibility for finding the support they need to solve the problem.
For tips on setting boundaries in difficult relationships, see my article Seven Ways to Say “No” and Keep Good Relations.
“Normal people have problems. The smart ones get help.” 
- Daniel Amen
4.    Thrive on your strengths while exploring new potential
We each have certain dispositions in which we naturally excel. Some of us are great with people, others are handy with tools, yet others thrive on information. A mismatch between what you’re naturally good at and your work in life is wasted potential. There are a myriad of assessment tools available that can help you determine your natural strengths, as well as your areas of greatest potential. For more information regarding this point, see my article Follow Your Bliss: Discover Your True Calling in Life.



“When you follow your bliss… doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.”

- Joseph Campbell
5.    Keep the fun and enjoyment
Van Wilder from the movie of the same name said: “You shouldn’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” No matter how difficult the circumstances, resolve to keep the fun and enjoyment in your life. Make a point to take a “mini-vacation” everyday; be it walking in the park, exercising, hugging a loved one, or taking a nice, hot bath. The more challenging and stressful life is, the more important it is to take good care of yourself so you can relax your body, ease your mind, and rejuvenate your spirit. After recharging your batteries, you may see the same situation in a different, more positive light.
6.    Keep your options open
There are many paths to opportunity, success, and happiness. We can begin by asking ourselves what true success and happiness means and looks like to us, and let our answers show the way. When one path seems to be at a dead end, look another way and see what new openings may be waiting just around the corner. Options can come from consulting the aforementioned board of advisors, thinking outside the box, daring to dream, doing something different, or simply letting go of a habit or condition that has clearly outlived its usefulness. We’re never stuck unless we have blinders on. Keep your options open.
“We must dare to think 'unthinkable' thoughts. We must learn to explore all the options and possibilities that confront us in a complex and rapidly changing world.”
- James W. Fulbright
7.    Keep the faith
There are many ways to keep your faith alive: Faith in yourself, faith in your place in this world, and faith in answers the Universe has in store for you. Go to places and engage in activities that give you the greatest feeling of inner peace. When you give yourself this gift on a regular basis, what psychologists call the Higher Self emerges, as insights, inspiration, and a sense of deep knowing spring forth from the depth of your soul.
The following quote by Anne Frank is just one example: “The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature, and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.”

Photo copyright © Preston C. Ni

As you immerse yourself in peace, ask: “What if what I’m going through is a blessing in disguise? What greater meaning exists for me now?” Put forth these and any other constructive questions that come straight from your heart. Don’t try to figure out the answers during these moments, but rather “empty your mind” and let the solutions come to you. The answers may come at that moment or later: sometimes when the time is right; sometimes when you least expect them. All you have to do is hold the questions and pay attention.
Keep the faith. Find your peace within, and the answers will come!
8.    Resolve to never, ever give up
I once heard a courageous person say that there are no losers in life, except for those who give up on themselves. If you’re still alive and breathing, your purpose in this life time is not yet fulfilled. The great adventure is in discovering what that purpose is, and to live it until your last breath. If you’re reading this article, you’re probably being pulled by an inner calling to do more. That calling is your adventure waiting to happen. What are you waiting for? And what are you willing to do now?
“Abraham Lincoln lost eight elections, failed twice in business and suffered a nervous breakdown before he became the president of the United States.” 
- Wall Street Journal
“If you don’t have the capacity to change yourself and your own attitudes, then nothing around you can be changed.” 
- Anwar Sadat

“The marvelous richness of human experience would lose something of rewarding joy if there were no limitations to overcome. The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse.” 
- Helen Keller

Five Keys to Enhancing Your Emotional Intelligence

By Preston Ni, M.S.B.A.

Created Jan 25 2012 - 12:26pm

Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) can be defined as the ability to understand, manage, and effectively express one's own feelings, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. According to Talent Smart, 90% of high performers at the work place possess high EQ, while 80% of low performers have low EQ. Emotional Intelligence is absolutely essential in the formation, development, maintenance, and enhancement of close personal relationships. Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.Below are five keys that can enhance one's emotional intelligence:
1. The ability to deal with one's own negative emotions
"We become what we think about all day long."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Perhaps no aspect of EQ is more important than our ability to effectively manage our own negative emotions, so they don't overwhelm us and affect our judgment. In order to change the way we feel about a situation, we must first change the way we think about it. Neuro-psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen developed an easy to practice exercise called "ANT Therapy - Killing our Automatic Negative Thoughts," which helps us examine the nature of our negative experiences, and relate to it in such a way as to reduce our negative emotions. Click on this video link (www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SGDnL1j7lw) to see Dr. Amen explain ANT Therapy (from 01:04 to the end of the clip, and at the very beginning of the next sequence).
2. The ability to stay cool under pressure
"Trouble comes from the mouth."
- Chinese proverb
Most of us experience some level of stress in life. How we handle stressful situations can make the difference between being assertive versus reactive, and poised versus frazzled. When under pressure, the most important thing to keep in mind is to keep our cool. Here are some quick tips:
A. If you feel angry and upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In most circumstances, by the time you reach ten, you would have figured out a better way of communicating the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of complicate the problem. If you're still upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you calm down.
B. If you feel nervous and anxious, put cold water on your face and get some fresh air. Cool temperature can help reduce our anxiety level. Avoid caffeinated beverages which can stimulate your nervousness.
C. If you feel fearful, depressed, or discouraged, try intense aerobic exercises. Energize yourself. The way we use our body affects greatly the way we feel. As the saying goes - motion dictates emotion. As you experience the vitality of your body, your confidence will also grow.
D. If you feel overwhelmed, confused, stuck, or uninspired, go outdoors and clear your head. Go into nature and surround yourself in colors of green and blue, which have a calming effect. Find a panoramic view and look out into the distance. Walk. Take deep breaths. Empty your mind. Come back with a fresh perspective.
For more tools on how you can stay strong in the face of life's challenges, see my article Eight Keys to Life Hardiness and Resiliency.
3. The ability to read social cues
"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."
- Anais Nin
People with high EQ are generally more accurate in their ability to perceive and interpret others' emotional, physical, and verbal expressions. They also know how to communicate effectively to clarify intentions. Based on the writing of Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor II, here are a couple of tips to increase the accuracy of reading social cues:
A. When we see an expression from someone that we don't understand fully, come up with at least two possible interpretations before jumping to conclusion. For example, I may be tempted to think my friend's not returning my call because he's ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that he's been very busy. When we avoid personalizing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
"A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than they're constipated!"
- Daniel Amen
B. Seek clarification when needed. If necessary, inquire with the other person for clarification on why she's behaving the way she does. Ask opened ended questions such as: "I'm just curious, can you tell me why...," and avoid accusations and judgments. Compare that person's words with body language and behavior to check for congruency.

4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary
"Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."
- Harriet Lerner
There are times in all of our lives when it's important to set our boundaries appropriately, so people know where we stand. These can include exercising our right to disagree (without being disagreeable), saying "no" without feeling guilty, setting our own priorities, getting what we paid for, and protecting ourselves from duress and harm.
One method to consider when needing to express difficult emotions is the XYZ technique - I feel X when you do Y in situation Z. Here are some examples:
"I feel strongly that I should receive recognition from the company based on my contributions."
"I feel uncomfortable that you expect me to help you over my own priorities."
"I feel disappointed when you didn't follow through when you told me you would."
"I feel frustrated when you continue to not take our finances seriously."
"I felt hurt when you made fun of me at dinner last night."
Avoid using sentences that begin with "you" and followed by accusation or judgment, such as "you are...," "you should...," "you need to...." "You" language followed by such directives put the listener on the defensive, and make them less likely to be open to what you have to say.
For more tips on setting boundaries in difficult relationships, see my article Seven Ways to Say “No” and Keep Good Relations.
5. The ability to express intimate emotions in close, personal relationships
"We live in the shelter of each other."
- Celtic saying
The ability to effectively express and validate tender, loving emotions is essential to maintaining close personal relationships. In this case, "effective" means sharing intimate feelings with someone in an appropriate relationship, in a manner that's nourishing and constructive, and being able to respond affirmatively when the other person does the same.
A person's "heart withers if it does not answer another heart."
- Pearl Buck
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls the expression of intimate emotions "bidding." Bidding can be any method of positive connection between two people desiring a close relationship. For example:

Verbal bidding: "How are you doing?", "How are you feeling?", "I love you," "I appreciate you," "I like it when we talk like this," "I'm glad we're spending this time together," "you're such a good friend," "I'm sorry."Body language bidding: positive eye contact, hugging, smiling, patting the elbow, arm around the shoulder.
Behavioral bidding: offering food or beverage, a personalized card, a thoughtful gift, a needed favor. Empathetic listing. Engaging in shared activities that create a closer bond.
Dr. Gottman's research reveals that close, healthy relationships bid with each other in ways large and small up to hundreds of times a day. The words and gestures can be a million variations, all of which say, in essence, "I care about you," "I want to be connected with you," and "you're important in my life." Constant and consistent bidding is crucial in the maintenance and development of close, personal relationships. It's the vitamin of love.
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
- Billy, age four, defining love, as reported on the Internet
If you find this article helpful, please share it with those whom you care about. There's power in good will reverberated!

Follow Your Bliss

Discover Your True Calling in Life

 

"When you follow your bliss... doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors, and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else."
- Joseph Campbell
Do you love what you do? Most Americans don't. According to CareerFinders.com, four out of five Americans do not have their ideal jobs.
It's not always easy to do what you love for a career, but it's definitely possible. Some of us are told from a young age to follow the expectations of family and society rather than to investigate one's own horizons. This can lead to professional success, at the expense of meaning and fulfillment. My executive coaching clients, including many who make six digits a year in prestigious positions, often disclose to me privately an "emptiness" inside. "I make over $200,000 a year, so why am I so unhappy?" one confided.

What is your bliss? A bliss is the type of work you love so much that you'd be willing to do it for free if you didn't have to pay the bills. You know you're following your bliss when you wake up in the morning looking forward to your day, and go to bed at night feeling good about what you've done. A bliss is a calling, something within each of us that we're meant to do. I believe all of us have at least one such calling in life, many have more.
Bliss may be followed either as a career, or via endeavors outside of work. This article focuses on ways to identify and pursue a blissful career. It may seem unrealistic to speak of this subject during an economic downturn. While it goes without saying that it's important to do whatever it takes to make ends meet, the current crisis may also represent an opportunity to position (or reposition) oneself for when the economy improves. The following are three factors that may help you identify and follow your bliss:
1. Know your true potential
We're all good at some things in life. Some of us are good with people, some with tools, and others with information. When we understand where our true potential lie, we begin to access our calling. If you're not sure about your talents, there are excellent resources available that can help you identify them. See the list following this article for some of my recommendations.
2. Follow your passion while keeping your feet on the ground
Once you discover your potential (most of us have natural ability in several areas), the next step is to align your strengths with careers that you feel passionate about. From the list of professional fields you identify, evaluate each one in terms of employment prospect. What is the job picture in this field over the next ten, twenty years? Ask several people who have succeed in this profession for input. Of course, you don't have to choose a career based on availability of jobs. There's a lot to be said about marching to the beat of your own drum. This article simply takes a more pragmatic approach.
3. Dedicate yourself to working hard and working smart
Once you have identified your potential and passion, the last piece is to work hard, and become one of the absolute best at what you do. It's also important to work smart, so that what you offer is unique, valued, and more indispensible. Because you're tapping into your true potential, you're most likely gong to excel at what you do. And because you have passion, chances are you'll be driven and won't mind the hard work.


Not everyone gets to do what they love. Most people get stuck in a rut, and live in what Henry David Thoreau calls "quiet desperation". You can beat the odds, if you choose to follow your bliss.
"Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you
really love."
- Rumi
"Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart
give yourself to it."
- Buddha